New Yorkshire Pudding/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You know, all the great chefs in the world are men. There's the guy with the hat and the "bam" guy and the funny guy. So I would think that most men would like to cook. I mean, you get to use lots of tools and you can eat your mistakes or at least your dog can and you don't have to buy any of those fancy kitchen gadgets, you can use the equipment you already have. Like why would you need a mixer if you already have a drill? You reload your nail gun with toothpicks... You're ready to make hors d'oeuvres. Where are you going, you weiner? And here's a dandy, you know they advertise these home vacuum-packing systems for food on t.V. And the salesman says if you don't get one of these for your wife, you're almost like a -- like a war criminal. But hey, I already have a vacuum cleaner. All I got to do is suck the air out of the bag. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. All right. Thank you very much. Thank you. No, no. I appreciate that. Thank you very much. You know what this is? These are called yorkshire puddings. I made these. Don't worry, I haven't crossed over or anything. Just a little business deal I'm working on. Bernice and I were out at a seafood restaurant the other night and wouldn't you know it, they're out of steak. So I got to take a walk on the wild side and order roast beef and it comes with one of these yorkshire pudding deals on the side. I thought a wasp nest had dropped off of one of the ceiling tiles. You knit's kind of doughy on the outside, nothing on the inside sort of like a lodge member. So that's when my entrepreneurial mind kicks in. You know, in our town, we got four doughnut shops, three muffin outlets and a bagel factory, but so far nobody's had the smarts to open up a yorkshire pudding drive thru. Uncle red? Yeah? Did you want to see me? Yeah, I need your brain for something. Ahh... Thank you very much. I figure you're not using it so... Harold, do you know what that is? Oh yeah, yeah. I've been to a horse farm. Harold, I made these myself. You must eat a lot of oats. It's a yorkshire pudding, harold, okay? This is the next big thing for me. I've already got a retired athlete as a spokesperson. Oh, let me guess... Seabiscuit? Harold, I got "gump" gorbachek. Wow. Wow, who's he? He's a hockey -- he's a great hockey player, harold. He's the best left-handed, one-legged defenseman that ever played for the port asbestos aspirators, that's who he is. Okay, I just thought that a celebrity was supposed to be famous. I never heard of "gump" gorbachek. Well, you probably know him as bob. They call him bob but his real name's "gump." bob? I know that guy. I know him. Oh yeah, he's a big hairy guy, no front teeth. Yeah, they call him "puckface." well, close enough and the missing front teeth is one of the things I like about him because his smile makes it look like our yorkshire puddings are easy to chew. Uncle red, you know nothing about creating a restaurant franchise. I have a plan. Oh really, and what might that be? My plan is to think of something brilliant. Never happen. [ applause ] it's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] tonight's winner receives this coupon for a free jar of farmer dan's moisturizing cream made entirely out of pig fat. For women who want their face to be as smooth as a football. All right, mike, cover your ears. Red, you've got 30 seconds to get mike hamar to say this word... All right, winston. And go! Okay mike, when you were a kid your grandma always needed a... Breath mint. Okay. This is something that your mother would give you to make you feel better... Rye. Okay, no. Okay. What's it called when one person wraps their arms around another person and holds on tight? A citizen's arrest. No, okay. This is something a lot of men would like to exchange, but they feel they just can't. Wives? All right. Say one night you're feeling romantic and to get things started you give your girlfriend a... Twenty. Almost out of time here, red. Okay, okay mike. If you ever meet your real dad, you'll probably want to give him one of these... Oh, a paternity test. Well you know, just to be sure. I mean the last time I saw him I was still in huggies. Yes! You know, if you want to invite friends over to your house but it's too small or your friends are too large, you've got two options. Move to a bigger place or put an addition on your current one. Now, I don't know a lot about buying real estate... But I do have an idea for an addition that's fast, easy, and best of all, requires no construction. That's right, we're talking "pre-fab." now, "pre-fab" comes from the latin phrase, "prefabricatamus." "pre" means "before" and I believe "fabricatamus" means "think things through." so before you think things through, get yourself a few rolls of duct tape and a little imagination. Oh yeah and a bus. Hope you're not thinking things through, remember, "pre-fab." now, this is probably not the ideal seating configuration for your guests unless it's the playoffs so we're going to just rearrange the seats. Heads up! Glad that wasn't my chain saw. Fore! Okay, after you carefully remove the bolts you can start rearranging the seats. For example, if your guests want to stay overnight, you need to give them somewhere to sleep. Oh sure, they could just sleep on the seats, but with a touch of creativity, we can give them something a little more comfortable. And the built-in bedsides prevent them from falling out and prevent you from seeing something you're not supposed to. And of course, this unit has an ensuite bathroom. But here again a couple of seats placed just right are going to give your guests a little privacy and prevent you from seeing something you really don't want to. Okay, as you can see, I've put up some classical pieces of art here, instead of all the ads 'cause you don't need people selling you stuff in your own home. Unless it's on tv, which I fully support. I also recommend you keep a couple of these chrome poles just in case an exotic dancer drops by. Who am I kidding? Turn them into pole lamps. Of course, the key to the whole design is to have the bus door line up with the house door. It makes them separate yet together, kind of like canada and quebec. I guess that makes these french doors. Oh, here's another bonus... Your dog can let himself out. And the dining area is really spectacular. Well, maybe not spectacular, rectangular probably a better word. Here again, we just move a bus seat here or there line them up just so, throw a folding table into the centre of the configuration and suddenly, it's not just a dining table, it's a booth. And the nice thing about eating here is you don't have to shout yourself hoarse calling everybody to dinner. Next stop, supper. But you got to admit this "pre-fab" addition has a lot of attractive features. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. And here's the best part, if you have guests arrive who aren't particularly welcome, you just hit the gas and turn this addition into a subtraction. [ applause ] there's a poker craze going on tv right now that brings out mixed emotions for me. On the one hand, knowing that millions of people are willing to watch six ugly, fat guys gives me renewed hope for the success of our show. On the other hand, a lot of these people who are watching are women and they're getting to see something very dangerous, men bluffing. Pretty soon they'll become experts because that's what women do. They'll become experts on figuring out when men are bluffing. And not just any man, I'm talking about you and me. Once our women can spot when we're bluffing, life as we know it will be over. They'll know stuff like when we're right we just quiet down and let them talk themselves into our little trap but when we have nothing, that's when we come out with guns blazing. And you can forget the tricks you see on those poker shows. Pulling your cowboy hat down over your face or wearing glasses with eyeballs painted on them isn't going to fool that certain lady. She'll read you like a book and book you like a repeat offender. Women have no sympathy for a bluffer, so don't bluff. I suggest you fold 'em or you'll never get to hold 'em. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. [ applause ] think you're too busy to have your septic system serviced? Maybe it's time to stop... [ sniffs ] and smell the hoses. [ applause ] oh, ho, ho, ho, ho... Ha! Hey, don't eat any more of those yorkshire puddings, harold! Deal. They're not ready yet. I've got to put the chocolate glaze on them. Oh, okay. So how did the press conference go? Not real well. That gump sure swears a lot. Mind you, you know, with the teeth missing it's hard to tell. But it gut so bad I had to use the "f" word on him. Fired. Well, that's too bad. Oh boy because gump's yorkshire puddings had such a natural ring to it, too, didn't it? I can see -- I can just see the logo, too. It'd be like gump's big scar-ridden face with a yorkshire pudding jammed in the gap of his smile. Well, harold, we got something even better now. You know, how they have new york fries, new york sirloin? How about new yorkshire puddings, huh? Gives the product kind of a new york, new york kind of feel. Oh yeah, if you can eat 'em here, you can eat 'em anywhere. Red, red, there's a real bad smell coming from the lodge. It's like hot sneakers or... Well, you're right about the hot part. It's my new chocolate-glazed yorkshire puddings. Do you want to try one? Huh? Huh? Yeah, no, yeah! Here let me put a little more chocolate on that for you. There you go, try that? Mmm? Yeah? Not bad 'eh? Not bad. The boys have decided to do a little bird watching out in the... Oh, easy, easy, easy. Tripods and bill are not compatible. So bill and winston had the fancy camera gear and ed was a little more lowbrow. So they start assembling their camera. They're going to go off and find the -- ed just wanted to stay -- let's just stay here and let the birds come to us but no, that wasn't in the works. So, yeah, go, go. So he gets over there and by now bill and winston are starting to assemble these telescopic telephoto lens-type things and ed is, I say, going a little lower-end on his and they start making fun of his but of course, you know, he has the flash. So the two pros head off into the woods and mister amateur falls along behind with his disposable -- and also with his camera. He can't see where they're -- the trouble is they're looking through the cameras. They can't always see where they're going. Look down, look down, ed. And they went right over the edge of the cliff. Now, ed is planning to help them but first, this is a kodak moment, is it not? So later that day, bill and winston are working hard and choreographing all their moves and all of a sudden both of them together spot the same bird. Which, at this point, I guess is a spotted owl would it not be? Yes, indeed. Oh, they were pretty close. And it's rarely seen except for k-mart. So now they got a big laugh out of it and try the bird calls. And he's -- no, he's getting an answer. He's getting an -- what is that, ohhh... Gosh. Oh I see where the answer is -- you're talking to each other, bird boys. Yeah, that's the problem. Meanwhile, ed goes back to plan a. He just drops the birdseed down there. Might as well give her the -- yeah, go for it. And he's got the binoculars. He's just gonna stay focused on where he expects to see some birds. So now, they're trying the duck calls and they're getting a response from -- it's like a mallard or something. Oh no, it's just another duck decoy. Meanwhile, ed has been gazing in the sun too long. He's asleep and they spend the whole day and do not see one bird. You know, one of the downsides of the home shopping channel is that a lot of people are baking their own bread these days. Oh sure, the bread machines can knead the dough and bake the bread, but can they slice it? No. And just ripping the loaf in half or biting the end off is not acceptable if you have company. So what do you do? Well, I say don't have company, but bernice says otherwise. So you do what your ancestors did... You get out your autoharp. Now, the autoharp is a traditional instrument, very popular for the first two weeks of August in 1963. It looks like somebody mated a banjo and a washboard but it sounds like they mated a couple of cats. Okay, for my purposes, I hacked the back out of this unit. You might wonder how I could do that to a valuable instrument but hey, it's harold's. Anyway, we don't need an instrument, we need a tool. You might say this is the greatest thing since... Man, don't you hate when that happens? And for my next number, here's a little thing by bread. ♪ if the women don't find you handsome ♪ ♪ they should at least find you handy ♪ well, that's it for today's show. Oh no you don't! No, no, no! You explain to them what happened! You tell them. Go, go, go! Nobody cares, harold. No, of course not but no, I think you have to go through the experience of confessing -- well, explaining what went wrong so we can all learn from your mistakes. Okay, well maybe not all. I mean everybody but you. All right, the new yorkshire puddings were not a hit. Okay, even though we had a great slogan, "a taste of new york." which was true, you know, if you include the east river. He made like a thousand of these. I said that was too much for a test run. I said that was too much for a test run. Well, you got to prepare for success, harold. Not around here, you don't. So, you know, by four o'clock we'd roughly sold... None. So we went to "plan b." tell them what "plan b" was. Tell them what "plan b" was. We sold them as animal feed. To what kind of animals? Horses. Horses, yes! And how did that go? Not great. No. The problem was a pile of fresh ones look identical to a pile of eaten ones. This is not helping, harold. It's helping me. Anyway, we're just getting to the good part -- getting to the good part. The good part? We dumped them all into the possum lake. Yeah... And? And they floated? Yes! Well, don't be shy. The yorkshire puddings, they absorbed the dangerous layer of toxins that have been forming atop of possum lake since shortly after the lodge opened. Really? I mean, yeah? You know what, yeah, of course, that was my plan, always my plan. Oh, yeah, okay. Well, see your greedy little plan to make yourself rich resulted in you helping clean up the environment. That's right, harold and you got nothing to be critical about. I see nothing to criticize. [ possum squealing ] meeting time, harold. Meeting time. Away you go. Okay, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting and I keep getting the same lesson over and over in my life... I look for the fast and the easy and I end up coming home to you. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] okay guys, everybody c'mon in. Sit down. Everybody sit down. C'mon guys, take your seats. Sit down in the back there. Sit down. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. Bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man but I can change if I have to I guess. All right, men, due to some recent developments I am now selling my new yorkshire puddings as an environmental cleanup initiative. You just buy 'em and you thrown them out. They're only $4.95 a dozen and I'm urging you to think green. I know I am. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com